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Welcome to the Laugh Lounge, where you're sure to find a joke or two that will tickle your funnybone. So sit back and prepare to laugh.
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?
Now, think about it Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, and an unknown number of hares.
***
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
It's legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
***
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence. " Get well quick from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week
***
Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.
***
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.
***
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.
***
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there? Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!"
***
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.
***
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
***
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
***
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car ***
What do women and cow patties have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
***
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
* * *
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
* * *
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
* * * Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
* * *
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
* * *
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
* * *
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
* * *
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're screwed!
* * *
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatologist.
* * *
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
* * *
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
* * *
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
* * *
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
***
Seasons Greetings
Twos The Night Before Christmas And All Through The House, Everybody Felt Shitty, Even the Mouse. Mom At The Whorehouse And Dad Smoking Grass, I'd Just Settled Down For A Nice Piece Of Ass. When Out On The Lawn I Heard Such A Clatter, I Sprung From My Niece To See What Was The Matter. Then Out On The Lawn I Saw A Big Dick. I Knew In A Moment, It Must Be Saint Nick. He Came Down The Chimney Like A Bat Out Of Hell, and I Knew In A Moment The Fucker Had Fell. He Filled All Our Stockings With Pretzels And Beer, And A Big Rubber Dick For My Brother The Queer. He Rose Up The Chimney With A Thunderous Fart The Son Of A Bitch Blew The Chimney Apart He Swore And He Cursed As He Rode Out Of Sight, "Piss On You All And Have A Hell Of A Night!"
***
The Horse Race
LINEUP:
In lane 1: Passionate Lady.
In lane 2: Bare Belly.
In lane 3: Silk Panties.
In lane 4: Conscience.
In lane 5: Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6: Clean Sheets.
In lane 7: Thighs.
In lane 8: Big Dick.
In lane 9: Heavy Bosom.
In lane 10:Merry Cherry.
AAAAAAAAAAND THEY'RE OFF.
Conscience is left behind at the gate Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry Heavy Bosom is being pressured Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs, and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick AT THE STRETCH: It's Merry Cherry cracks under the strain Big Dick is making a final drive Big Dick moves inside and Passionate Lady is coming AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust, and wins by a head Bare Belly shows Thighs weaken Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance!!!
***
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, " Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea says, " I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on Harley." The other flea responds saying, " That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
***
Question and Answer Session.
Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt
Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy!
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis even a thought can raise it.
Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof, using a tin can for a condom.
Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.
Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.
Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.
Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
***
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping!"
***
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
***
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "RibbitLucky frog." The man decides to take the frog wit him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and ask the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "RibbitLas Vegas. "They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "RibbitRoulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "RibbitKissMe." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
What do you call a hundred rabbits in a line walking backwards?
A reseeding hairline
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniel's and women with big tits."
Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men
- 1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
- 2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
- 3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
- 4. You always want to swallow.
- 5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
- 6. It's "quick and convenient".
- 7. You can enjoy it more than once.
- 8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
- 9. You can make it as large as you want.
- 10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
A gay man checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and he was a bit lonely so thought he'd call up one of those males you see advertised in phone booths when you're ringing for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a male calling himself Doctor Scottie, a handsome guy....well, you know the kind. So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, I'll give him a call. "Hello?" the male said. God, he sounded HOT! > "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, I want it deep, I want my nipples worked and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a leather strap, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, Studly. Now, how does that sound?" He says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
***
Nursery Rhymes
- Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are Shine upon a parking lot As I eat my girlfriends twat.
- Peter, Peter pumpkin eater Saw a chick but couldn't meet her Saw her brother one fine day Sucked his cock and now he's GAY.
- Jack Sprat could eat no fat His wife could eat no lean So he ignored her flabby tits An licked her asshole clean.
- Eenie Meanie Miney Mo Suck my dick and swallow slow.
- Mary Mary quite contrary Shave that pussy its so damn hairy.
- Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was sucking my cock The clock struck two I blew my goo And dumped the bitch off at the next block.
- Hickory Dickory Dock Some chick was sucking my cock It was quite scary all wrinkled and hairy.
***
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact! , she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."
********
A middle-aged woman spends $5000 for a facelift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?" The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast. After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay, that's enough, how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how did you know?" He replied, "I was in line behind you at McDonald's."
********
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
********
Red Neck Mother Writes Her Son
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Love,
Mom.
********
Number 4
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 3
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."
Number 1 A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
********
MEN'S THESAURUS
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works.
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
********
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was Beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you Were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers Her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE.... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps He did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had Wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher."
********
Blind Dogs Sue dog Guide Schools
By Sherry Lens Washington--
A number of organizations composed of blind dogs and other interested independent dogs today announced that they would sue the major dog guide schools in the United States for discrimination against blind dogs who apply to be dog guides. "We just can't be considered as things are now," said Kay Wolf, head of the National Federation of Blind Dogs. "As soon as schools find out we're blind, they disqualify us." Kay pointed out, and demonstrated how dogs can travel using canes which they hold in their mouths at a press conference. "We can do just as good a job finding obstacles as sighted dogs," said Roofus Woofer, President of The American Council of blind Dogs. "we can use canes, our hearing and our sense of smell to lead blind people around obstacles, find streets, and all the other things dog guides do. We're blind, that doesn't mean we're helpless," he continued. "what sort of message does it send to blind people when dog guide schools reject blind dogs to be dog guides?" "this is a potentially milestone case," said Allen Dirthawitch, professor of law at Hale University. "These dogs are attempting to have the courts extend civil rights legislation to classes other than people." Dog guide schools responded today that they have no intention of discriminating. "These are very difficult, demanding jobs," said Hugh Huxter, head of one of the nations most prestigious dog guide schools. Even sighted dogs find their duties taxing."
********
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. > She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, > stand > up!" > After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, > " Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold > cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make > myself > beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a > tissue. > > "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ > The math teacher saw that little J! ohnny wasn't paying attention in > class. > She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" > > Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ > > At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, > including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten > class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created > out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him > lying > down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" > Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to > > have > a wife." > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a! field trip to their > local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin > board, > of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a > picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. > > "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture > him." > > Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his > picture?"
********
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of tits depending on a woman's age. in her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, Mighty and Hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, Flexible but Reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas Tree." "A Christmas Tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
********
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
********
IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN................
EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN?
--------------------- Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure, then just go down on him and call it a day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to go down on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight, increases bone density, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to go down on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by doing it twice a day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to go down on him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my cl*toris is.
A: Your cl*toris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, cook him a delicious meal and then after he's done eating, go down on him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgazzem then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in 4play.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. 4play to a man is very stressful and time consuming. S*x should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for 4play. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by going down on him tonight.
********
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask, because you are my friend.
********
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 30 and am looking for a girl with big tits.
********
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Testimonials of a few people who did.
1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. This my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my d! aughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on at him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me f! or the best laugh they'd ever had!
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't get any. A true story!! We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "! So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
********
Thoughts To Ponder
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cent in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
7. What disease did cured ham actually have?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say thy "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a "hearing"?
11. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
12. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON tv?
13. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
14. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
15. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
16. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
17. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
19. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
20. Why do toaster always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
21. Why is there a light in the fridge, but not in the freezer?
22. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
23. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
24. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
25. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
26. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask were the bathroom is?
27. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
28. What do you call male ballerinas?
29. Can blind people see their dreams?
30. If Wylie E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
31. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
32.If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
33. Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
34. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
35. Why did you just try singing the two songs?
36. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
37. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
********
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she ! came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,"Listen, I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." " You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!! "I sure did," said the wif e. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
********
A woman in her fifties was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 53 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.
********
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" ...................................................... "I can't see my ass coming in to work today."
********
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTH! ER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Johnny thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest! with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
********
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
********
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED - Must be a good typist and have good computer skills.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter.
He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have good computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel spreadsheet and Oracle database, retouched a picture with Photo shop, then presented them all to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity employer."
The exasperated manager said, Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
Meow"
********
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go, from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Nebraska stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt .....One button at a time. .....No one moves. ......He removes his shirt. ......Muscles ripple across his chest. .....She gasps... ......He whispers.... ....."Iron this -- ..... and then get me a beer ."
********
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the lime Mercedes for his birthday.
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends"
********
Fairytales
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away, enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a. m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a. m., Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the! fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly.! .. Peter Peter, something or other..."
MICKEY MOUSE
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy. That's not grounds for a divorce." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy; I told the court! clerk that she's fucking Goofy."
DONALD DUCK
Donald went into the local Pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He took them up to the cashier who asked " Would you like me to put them on your bill"? Donald became irate and screamed "What do you think I am a pervert"?
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're ! not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
********
Which Condom Would You Use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong all over your face.
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: for friends and family.
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
********
Oximorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a tv set when you only have one?
27. Christmas Oximoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your socks?
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A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz." Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn`t like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back." The poor man, after acknowledging the rich man's answer, proceeds to tell him what he got his wife.
"I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts? The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn`t like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
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Blond Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bill . Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ray brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Ray asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this Recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Ray keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bill 's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill . If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose
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