Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
• Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
• "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but, multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
• Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
• HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
• You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.